Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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