Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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