Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
