Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
