just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
