Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
