She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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