did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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