he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
