call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
