Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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