having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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