I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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