bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
