i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
