I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
