Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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