I haven't been this sober since birth.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
