But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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