You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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