No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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