Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
