Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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