i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
