I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
