I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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