All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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