Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
