I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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