Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
