so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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