apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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