im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
