Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
