That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
