I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
