We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
