we have pet lesbian snakes
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
