I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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