forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
