Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
