u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
