Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
