when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
