my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
