My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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