Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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