I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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