I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
