That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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