I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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