Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
4 words: hood of his car
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
