somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
